If I say “Merry Christmas,” it’s not because I’ve copped to all the right-wing bullshit, just so you know.

One thing I love about having lunch, as I did today, at the Calgary Farmers’ Market is that unless you’re really lucky (or unlucky, you figure it out), you’re going to be forced to share a table with a stranger or two. I used to be really bothered by this, but I’ve had some really nice, lucid conversations with strangers and it’s almost like the scene at the film festival when people in the queues strike up these emergent, sometimes really energetic, conversations. It’s nice. There’s something old fashioned and comforting about it, like what it must have been like to eat at the big communal tables in diners way back when.

Anyway, I had a great lunch of chicken schnitzel and two knishes (mushroom and sauerkraut) from Margarita’s (no website unfortunately) and did indeed have a nice accidental convo with a nice lady who teaches at SAIT,  and on departing wished her and her friend a “Merry Christmas.” And then I thought about the unfortunate mess surrounding this expression.

If I say “Merry Christmas,” it can be taken one of several ways:

A. It is an appropriate salutation this time of year.

B. I’m a Christian and am saying it to commemorate the birth of Christ, and I expect that you’re a Christian too and feel the same as I do.

C. I’m saying this as a defiant protest against the evils of secular humanism and  multiculturalism, which are conspiring to take away our Judeo-Christian traditions and replace it with something that stripped away all vestiges of those traditions.

And for me, the correct answer is “A.” I like Christmas, pretty much, and I also like its secular and Pagan trappings. I am thrilled this time of year to celebrate the solstice and the return of light, and fortunately or unfortunately, that symbolism (with lights, I mean) has become part of Christmas. It’s as much a secular holiday as a religious one, and that’s how I choose to think of it. Go ahead and condemn me. Christmas for me has no religious meaning at all, because I’m not religious.

“But,” you protest, “you’re not celebrating the true meaning of Christmas.” Oh, shut up, neither are you. The three wise men didn’t bring Jesus an iPod, and they didn’t come back every year to deliver a Bed Bath and Beyond gift card. Regardless of its religious trappings, Christmas borrowed from Pagan traditions and it has evolved as a holiday that the non-religious and non-Christian can celebrate. And you know what? For the most part, all of these groups–Christians, the non-religious, and non-Christians–celebrate it almost identically. Christmas is both one of the most spectacular marketing successes AND failures of Christianity. Isn’t that amazing? I think it is.

Anyway, getting back to “Merry Christmas.” There’s been all this hand-wringing lately among the O’Reilly and Hannity and FOX News crowd about how degrading and “politically correct” it’s become for people to eschew “Merry Christmas” in favour of “Happy Holidays” or something like it.  I hate–I FUCKING HATE–when petulant, stupid bullies like the hate-filled ignoramuses that FOX hires pull this “politically correct” out of their asses whenever they disagree with something. I’m sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick of it. If you disagree with something, come up with a response, don’t pull out this one-size-fits-all “politically incorrect” label and act as if you’ve refuted something. It reminds me of uses of the word “racist” when I was in grad school: “You’re racist, end of discussion, I win.” For the neo-cons, it’s “You’re PC, end of discussion, I win.” This isn’t discourse, it’s not debate; it’s bullying and I just blow up when anything gets labelled “politically correct” anymore.

That said, horror stories and urban legends aside, all this complaining about the disappearance of “Merry Christmas” is complete crap. COMPLETE CRAP. EVERYBODY still says it, NOBODY is offended by it, and if Canadian Tire (or whoever) wants to be more inclusive by using “Happy Holidays” in an ad, really, is this hurting anyone?

No. There is no crisis. There is no anti-religious defamation. There is nothing going on here. AT ALL.